Battles and Balance
Hi everyone. I have been a hermit for awhile. I had a virus that triggered a Candida infection and left me out of it for weeks. I'm slowly getting some energy back and joining the living again. This was a really painful yet awakening experience for me. I know I created this whole situation and illness. Even though I could have created something less traumatic it served its purpose very well.
I am just coming back to life after a massive fungal infection in my blood took me down. It was horribly painful yet brought one of my deep rooted childhood issues to the surface so I could finally look at it and change my beliefs around it.
I have been wanting to take the next step with my diet and overall health for the past couple of months but I was stuck in some old thought patterns that I was struggling to break free from. Being laid up, not able to eat and going through this cleansing of the yeast/fungal infection really helped to give me that push past the cycle I was stuck in. I had some major emotional cleansing as to my issues I have had with food since I was a kid.
We weren't raised to enjoy food or even be relaxed around food. We had to eat for our health, which meant junk foods and sugar was rarely allowed. It was with the best intentions of keeping us healthy, yet the stress over it caused more harm than good. I wanted desperately to try the goodies that other kids got. In junior high I even had a box under my bed where friends would sneak me snacks from their lunches so I could have a taste. Food was not enjoyable. My mother hated cooking and the food was very boring. The food restrictions represented not being free to enjoy life. What I was still carrying as an adult was some anger over food being so controlled. I was holding onto this causing me to stay out of balance with my diet.
I laugh...really? A holistic nutritionist who has a resentful relationship with food? Really???
This was something that always bothered me as a holistic nutritionist. I could help others find balance, peace and healing with their food, yet I struggled myself. I realized again how hard I was being on myself trying to get it "right". I always heard "practice what you preach." I think there is some truth to that. However, I find people tend to teach what they want to learn more about for themselves. It isn't necessarily about being perfect and having all the answers. It is about being open and honest in every way and gaining as much as you give. By helping others balance their lives I began having a much stronger desire to find balance in my own.
For me the Candida infection was a physical representation of the war inside between the "healthy" gut bacteria and the "invasive" fungal form - between my pissed off inner child and the desire of my adult self. When your immune system is strong it is capable of keeping the un-friendly bacteria in check, it maintains a balance. My immune system has been weakened some by the medication but more significantly my thoughts and unresolved inner struggle with food was the cause for all this to come to the surface. This was very hard for me to come to terms with because my inner child was holding on very tight to the anger and resentment. It has eased up now, the storm is over and I'm working on staying in the present moment rebuilding a belief system that is in balance with food and my environment.
I'm hopeful I will soon see the day when food is enjoyable to eat and not just for keeping me alive. My husband enjoys food and often comments that he would love me to learn to make food that has flavor and excitement and love. I still hold some resistance to cooking, I like my bland basic raw foods but I am opening up and entertaining the idea that it might be okay to prepare something for the fun of it. My 6 year old dances and celebrates when she eats and savors how delicious the food is. To her food is as delicious as life. That is what I want.
I wanted to share to remind others to ease up on themselves. Even if you are a professional you don't have to have it all put together. Your clients don't expect you to be perfect nor do they want to work with someone who appears to be up on a pedestal. They don't expect you to have all the answers. People want to know that others can relate to them and be real and share in the journey. I am very good at mentally helping others with their health and finding things that work for them. More significantly I naturally open my heart and connect with people on an empathetic level, which can be so much more healing for them to know that I am an ordinary person that has the same struggles and can hold their hand while on the journey rather than just direct them.
Love and Light