Isn’t is so amazing and empowering when we come to another level of self-awareness in our lives?
This isn’t something we can force yet always reveals itself at just the right time, when you are ready to look at it. That old saying “God never gives you more than you can handle” comes to mind.
This last week my 9year old daughter got a fish tank. Her and her dad planned this out and we were excitedly making the trip in the car to get the fish and decor. As we drove the 15 min to the shop my mind started racing with all the “how to’s” of taking care of an aquarium. It is automatic and seemingly very natural for me to make lists, research, prepare so I know what to expect and how to handle it. At least I thought it was natural because this is a habit I have done my entire life.
As we drove I kept blurting out questions to ask the sales person and asked my daughter if she looked into this and that. I was being responsible and wanted to make sure everyone else was responsible too for the health of the fish. I mean if we aren’t responsible then what happens? Everything falls apart and the fish die, right?
Kya (my daughter) threw me a curve ball that stopped my runaway train of thoughts:
“Mom. I don’t like it when you become tense and worry. I want to enjoy having my fish, not be stressed about them.”
Me: “I’m not worried. I just like to plan and be prepared so the fish have the best life.”
Kya: “They will be fine because I love them and I will know what to do at the right time.”
Me: (Thinking in my head) I’m not worried. Why would she say that?
I don’t feel anxious or stressed. Or do I?
I don’t feel anxious like I used to at all.... but maybe I am a bit tense. This is just how I am.
Have I always been tense and just not aware of it? Well, not always but lately, Yes!
When I think of taking care of the fish I feel constricted. OMG she is right. I’m stressed.
I’ve always been a bit tense with wanting to prepare and plan before any major change to avoid something bad happening. I don’t want to feel constricted I want to feel expansive.
Holy shit, how have I not noticed this before?
Andy: (my husband) “Hunny, you are always tense and ruin the fun.”
Me: “What? Not always.”
Andy: “No, but lately you have been. You have had this habit since we have known you and as much as I love you I am getting tired of it. We wish you could relax and let us take care of this. This is meant to be a fun adventure for Kya and it will turn out just fine even if we make some mistakes and learn as we go.”
Kya: “Yeah mom, you are always telling me life isn’t a big deal and that worrying is a choice. Can you make a different choice now? I’m tired of it too.”
This conversation has been at the forefront of my mind for days now. I’m so much more aware now of the thoughts I entertain and how they affect my vibration and those around me. I have always known this as I teach many people about thoughts and vibration and awareness. I guess you always do teach what you want to know more about for yourself so here I am, the living example, not afraid to admit I still worry and cause myself some stress.
So now comes the part I have been avoiding. The feeling part. I have been willing to be uncomfortable so many times before and each time I go deeper and shift more profoundly. Each time I think, “I’ve got it! Now I won’t ever have to experience that again!” Well, life isn’t about avoiding unwanted experiences. It is about looking honestly at these experiences, noticing what they bring up for you and making a new decision of where you want to go from here.
What is the point of being prepared, smart, on top of things?
To avoid uncomfortable feelings and dangerous contrast. We are taught in our learned chaotic world view that it is possible to make mistakes that ruin your life and everyone else’s, it is possible to be kicked in the ass by life and never recover, it is possible to fail (lose your money, end up living under a bridge and die). These are extreme examples, but they are at the root of most of our conditioned beliefs. We create our habits, patterns, lifestyle around these false beliefs and out of fear, trying to avoid the unknown.
Sitting on my couch that night I decided it no longer felt better to be on top of it all. I stepped back from controlling and allowed the feelings to come up. This is the part we are all really avoiding, the uncomfortable feelings. Most of us were not taught how to feel through this stuff and be okay with fear, anxiety, anger. I cringe every time I am at a kid’s event and I hear another parent telling their kids “don’t be afraid or stop crying or knock it off,” to whatever emotion they are so honestly expressing.
I closed my eyes and sat with my fear. Imagining it coming up from the depths and pouring out like lava from a volcano. It was mild as this isn’t my first rodeo. It seems silly to me that I was in this place again since I know there is no need to worry or be prepared, yet I am human and that is part of the experience. Sometimes we revisit the same feelings and beliefs over and over again at different layers until they fade out in the distance. We never go backwards, just visit another deeper layer that is ready to reveal itself and be released at just the right time.
After feeling the intensity of whatever emotion is coming up I feel even calmer. Every time I surrender I think there is no way my life can get more peaceful than it already is, but it does. It gets sweeter every time. The more willing we are to go into our darker areas the more willing we are to allow the light in as well.
Isn’t this awareness wonderful?
Love & Light,
Lexi