A few weeks ago I finally started allowing myself to feel the emotions surrounding one of my childhood themes of “I can’t have what I want or what I deserve.” I remember when all I wanted most in the world as a young girl was a horse to care for and ride. It is a common little girl dream that most never get to indulge and then the phase passes. Well my phase never passed and when other friends in our preteen years did start getting horses I was angry, but kept it inside as I knew my parents could not afford to get me a horse. Some of these girls obviously didn’t care about the horses as much as they cared about having the latest and greatest next thing. That just rubbed salt in the wound as I truly felt I worked hard enough and was good enough to deserve a horse and they did nothing but whine to their parents to get whatever they wanted. Of course my anger didn’t really stem from not having a horse but was rather triggered by that. I already had pent up emotions from not feeling free in my life.
I had been taught from the adults in my life that if you work hard and behave good you get good things. Well that cultural belief never worked out for me. It just caused a lot of confusion and anger. I did have some experiences with good friends who allowed me to be a part of their horses lives, but I wasn’t able to feel the gratitude through the anger. Had I known at 12 yrs old what I know now I would have let myself feel the emotions so they would move on through me and I could assume my natural state of gratitude and wellbeing. I continued to cement in my belief that no matter how hard I worked or how good I behaved I didn’t really deserve to have the freedom and joy of life.
This belief wasn’t so extreme that I have been a depressed withdrawn person my whole life but rather it has been subtly influencing most of my decisions and the way I respond to contrast or stressful situations. Everyone has underlying beliefs from childhood that subtly influence the way they live their adult lives. I was aware of this belief but did not really see until now just how it was popping up within everything and hindering me from creating the life that I wanted.
I had some contrast come about a few weeks ago with my car that instantly triggered this anger and I finally was ready to move through this and have it evolve away so I don’t keep carrying it forward. Sometimes I wish I could have done this a long time ago and saved myself so much anguish, but we aren’t always ready to let go until we are finally truly ready to drop the story and move on. I allowed myself to feel the anger and disappointment from so long ago and comfort the inner child me, giving her the permission and acceptance she never had to feel these emotions. Really within about 3 minutes the tears were over and I felt so much lighter....FREEER!! Going about the rest of my day felt as free as being on vacation.
The next morning, I went to pick up my van from the repair shop but the promised work had not been fully completed. I could feel that twinge of “Why don’t I ever get what I want?” popping up. This time I was able to just breathe out that old thought as it didn’t have the charge on it anymore like it used to. It is much easier to retrain your old thoughts into new ones once that emotional resistance has been released. I just told myself my favorite mantra “everything always works out for me.” They apologized and offered to pay for a rental. At the rental place they said I had a choice between a Jeep or a 2016 Mustang Convertible. Well I drive a van so of course I jumped at the opportunity to drive a sports car. It wasn’t until I got home and my husband drew my attention to a lighted projection on the garage floor of the Mustang emblem that I realized the universe finally brought me my pony. All these years holding onto the emotions resisting my anger kept that horse out of my experience. Just one time of allowing those feelings to fully be felt and my horse came right to me!
Did I mention the car was my favorite color as well?
I have many many examples of how dropping the resistance to emotions and life situations can bring about exactly what we are wanting in our lives. The freedom I felt by expressing that old anger was the same vibration that my pony was residing on. It couldn’t come to me all these years because I never felt free around that topic, not until the other day. What only a week before would have been a very frustrating stressful experience for me of not having my car done was able to become the way in which I got exactly what I always wanted. Once I lined my energy up with the feeling of freedom then the physical manifestations that represented freedom to me easily flowed into my existence.
I share this story to show that anyone can do this. We create our reality by our beliefs. A belief is only a thought that you have thought so many times it has become true for you and is then proven true by your reality. If you change your thoughts, you change your beliefs, and you change your reality.
Love & Light,
Lexi