The Impossible People Pleaser
I want to share some great contrast that has come up in my life the past month for those that feel the same way. You are not alone!
I have been working on letting go of feeling responsible for others feelings and allowing myself to just be who I want to be.
Everyone says "you have to love yourself and that is all that matters".
Well yeah that is true, yet it seems to be one of the hardest things to get back to as there are a lot of factors in our lives, especially as children, that cause us to stop loving who we are and start being what we think others want.
I've spent my whole life trying to be "perfect" as to not upset anyone and try to keep those in my life "happy", an impossible task as I am now seeing much more clearly. I did all my chores and behaved perfect for my parents. I maintained straight A's and did all the extra credit for my teachers. I even had cosmetic surgery as a teenager and other cosmetic procedures so I could look how I assumed my peers wanted me to look in hopes all the teasing would stop. Lets just say by the time I was an adult I didn't know who I was anymore and even though I liked a lot of things in my life I didn't love me. How could I? I didn't even know who I really was. All I knew is I was constantly feeling overwhelmed, judged and putting expectations on myself that were too high for any human to achieve. Well I'm giving it all up a little at a time. It has been extremely challenging yet freeing as I'm adjusting to having the burden lifted off my shoulders. I find myself questioning whether or not it is okay to let go of certain feelings and is it okay that I feel so vulnerable when I've spent my life being so guarded. The biggest challenge with allowing my true self to shine is being okay to let others have their emotions and possibly be "mad" at me and not want to interact with me anymore. I never realized how scary that was for me to allow people to be upset and to wish them well on their journey instead of trying to fix it, even if it meant dimming my light to do so. I have had encounters with 4 different people in the past month that have shown me the contrast of how I was living my life just a few months ago and now what my life is evolving into. All of these kind, loving souls have been quite pissed off at me for things that are completely out of my control. Some are mad that I am no longer going to try to live up to their expectations of how they "think" I should live. The others are a complete 180 and are mad at me because they feel I am too "perfect" thus making them feel inadequate. So what I have taken from all of these situations is that people are just upset with their own lives whether they recognize it or not. It doesn't make sense to try and live our lives to others standards nor is there any need to judge ourselves based on what everyone else says. Obviously people are going to be mad at me for being "too perfect" and just as many are going to be mad at me for "not being perfect enough". THERE IS NO OTHER WAY OF BEING, EXCEPT LOVING YOURSELF AND LOVING OTHERS FOR THEIR LIGHT. EVERYTHING ELSE IS JUST AN ILLUSION. The universe has shown me what I needed to see enough times now that I finally feel I have the permission to let go. I know everyone who reads this will get something different from it, I'll even make it public so it can reach others, and maybe I now have more people mad at me but I am making peace with that. I have nothing but love, light and compassion for all my friends and family. I will always be here for all of you.
I am FREE.
Love & Light,