For those of you who don't know me personally I want to share a little about where I came from and what challenges have brought me to start this page. I have heard from many that they thought I had the perfect life and didn't think I could possibly relate to their problems. They want to know who am I to talk about facing fears and finding joy in life. It has seemed to many the grass is much greener at my house. Well I do have pretty green grass now because I have stopped looking over the fence and have started to water my own. I'm still facing scary challenges everyday while enjoying my ever growing patch of green grass.
I was born with a strong connection to nature and spirit. I was beautifully open telepathically and talked to others, people and animals with that gift. I knew who I was and never thought anything of it. Until I started school. I quickly realized that no one else talked to the animals like I did, no one communicated with minds or hearts at all, only words and actions. I realized I was now in a world where I didn't fit in. I thought differently, I saw differently and I looked different. I shut off who I was in a desperate attempt to fit in, in hopes others would like me. I endured many years of teasing and the isolation that went with no longer conversing with the animals and having a mistrust of people. I lived in constant anxiety for 15yrs never knowing when the next attack of bullying was going to come. My emotional pain ran deep and I soon believed that the only thing that made me worth anything was my academic achievements and my athletic ability.
When I was 17 yrs old all the emotional stress finally took its toll on my body. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I was faced with a self worth crisis as I was desperately trying to hang on to finishing school and keeping my body looking fit on the outside. The UC was my double edge sword because now I had the excuse I always wanted to stay away from people and something to keep from having to live up to others expectations/(my own expectations) but on the other hand now I had physical symptoms making it extremely hard to got out and face my fears even when I wanted to. My house of cards finally fell when I had my first child at 23 and couldn't keep up the academics or exercise anymore.
I will be 32 years old in a few weeks so I have been living with this health condition a long time. I had tried many alternative holistic programs and medications to heal this "thing." Only 1 year ago did I finally let go of trying to "fix" the UC and started the journey to get to the root of why I created this. Ultimately, I believe the ulcers are still there to remind me that I am still working on self worth and loving that little girl I used to be. That little girl that loved her life and connection with spirit. In this past month, circumstances in my life have caused me to take another hard look at myself and I have since had another huge jump in spiritual growth.
I have come into acceptance of a lot of the things in my life that I can't magically change. I am so thankful I can look back at my life and laugh at many things that just a year ago terrified me and I thought were a BIG DEAL. While most thought how perfect my life was because I have a loving generous husband, fun compassionate kids, I get to be a stay at home mom and I have some nice things in my home, I only saw how I was locked in fear about what others thought of me, that I wanted to work but felt too ill to keep a job, I isolated myself in the house so no one would know how sick I was, how angry I was that I had to run to the toilet 20 times a day and only actually make it half the time, how guilty I felt that I wasn't well enough to be the mother I wanted to be for the kids and my number one fear (still working with this one but it is getting easier by the day)......... how humiliated I was to have to wear diapers every time I left the house and how many times those diapers leaked when I was in public and I was sure everyone was staring as crap was running down my legs. I was sure I was the only one on the planet that feared public bowel incontinence. A year ago I thought i would actually die if anyone found this out and now I can joke about it.
So I know quite a bit about fear and life challenges. And yes I still wear diapers and have "accidents" but I am accepting it more and more and it is no longer keeping me house bound. Shit happens, you clean it up and you get on with your day. Everyday I'm getting closer to merging back into that authentic self and the challenges that used to be a BIG DEAL in my life are no longer defining me. I feel very elated now to know that my journey is inspiring others to change how they feel on the inside so it can reflect on the outside. Remember every time you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence just use that thought as a reminder to water your own =)
Love & Light,
Lexi