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  • Lexi Stead

A Page From My Journal #1

This is something I wrote on my personal Facebook page on January 22, 2014. This was about a year before I had any physical healing. I wanted to give others a sneak peak of how my beliefs and perspective were starting to shift and change my vibration before my reality changed much. We have to use our free will to choose to see things differently if we want the new evidence to show up in our reality.

You don't just change your mind and everything works out perfectly immediately. It is being okay with what is in the moment and the thoughts you are thinking, even if you don't like any of it, that allows it to shift.

January 22, 2014

Well that relief I felt the other day was short lived. I started getting excited thinking about some things I would like to do outside of taking care of the kids and family. A job or something for myself, besides stitching of course. I think it was 40.2 seconds of excitement and then bam anxiety. Here begins the work of letting go of my expectations, increasing my self worth and rolling with the anxiety rather than resisting it. I remember before I had the kids I had lots of jobs, even with the ulcerative colitis. After I had the kids my body changed and the UC (ulcerative colitis) took over. I could no longer make it to the bathroom among other symptoms. My mind still controls my symptoms to a degree and that is terrifying.

Interestingly enough I'm not so much afraid of having to deal with the actual symptoms themselves while living my life but I'm still shaking at the thought of having to tell an employer that I'm not perfect. That I can't be far from a restroom, that I may be late to my job because of bathroom stops, that I may have a week or more when I can't come in because of my symptoms. To me that is still unacceptable. That is so less than what I feel I should be as a good employee. I've always been the damn best employee anyone has ever hired and I pushed and pushed and hid and hid and never let on that anything was physically going on with me....all the way until I always hit the point where the stress of it all put me in the hospital with the worst flare ups and i would have to leave my job without even a 2 week notice.

This is strange having to even entertain the thought that I can be okay just sharing my talents how I can and when I can and not holding myself to any kind of standard. Ahhhh. I mean my mind says are you @!%$$# kidding? What employer would want you? Someone who might have to suddenly drop everything to run to the bathroom every 10minutes? Someone who might show up for work late, frequently? Someone who might randomly not show up at all because they can't leave the house? Even if someone else was okay with this because they wanted my presence and what I have to offer despite my limitations than how do I be okay with getting what I consider "special treatment" and the other coworkers are still held to a more normal work ethic. I look normal and healthy. What makes me so special? I'm thankful this illness isn't visible but I do wonder if it would be any easier if it was. I'm sure my mind would find something else to be insecure about.

Okay just another rant and another example of how our beliefs about ourselves control our actions. I really thought the only reason I was still home while the kids were at school was to take care of myself and get well....and it is and I've been thankful I have this space and time to take care of myself, obviously just as much emotionally as physically. I didn't realize though under that disguise even more pressing was I have been using this "real" physical illness as an excuse to not have to face my "real" fears and insecurities. So what happens when I finally decide I want to adventure out into the world? Bam the "real" stuff comes up and slaps me in my face and I can no longer hide. Nor do I want to. And by using the word "real" of course I mean the complete lies and illusions I have created in my own mind that I wish I could just flip the switch and be gone with so I can go have some fun ;)

At least now I can see it and I have the tools to work though it so I don't have to keep repeating this. yay!! Into the light and into the love.

Love & Light, Lexi

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